Dream or Delusion?

Why am I writing a blog at askwritefish.com? Aside from the usual cynical self-centered reasons, a significant part of me wants to help you. (My "other careers" were devoted to helping others also.)

For almost 40 years I have been trying to become a paid fiction writer, and I wrote my first short story when I was about ten. (I was the goofball who volunteered to recite poetry in my eighth grade class. Sound familiar?) Becoming a writer, specifically a fiction writer, seemed an obvious career path. Despite all other professions, I always worked on my craft. I wrote in the middle of factories while waiting for my turn on the warplanes, I wrote at various jobs from 4 AM until 6 AM, I wrote after work into the evenings alone hunched over a yellow notepad or a manual typewriter. Always I believed one day I would be paid for my effort. I knew with absolute certainty that I would eventually make enough money from my writing to be "successful"(at least enough to pay for so many years of paper and ink). However, I must now face it squarely. I have failed, or am failing, and time is running out fast. Perhaps I should write Confessions of a Failed Novelist .

Sure, you may say, "But he’s published! He’s won fiction prizes. Nominated for a Pushcart Prize! Praised in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch." And so on, and on. My bio sounds impressive enough -- novels, short stories, poems, and articles. I have no doubt about their quality. And you may say I should still retain a shred of hope, that there is still time. I will of course follow the next technological phase of publishing, ebooks, self publishing, self-aggrandizement, marketing, and so forth.

In order to write fiction for so many years, or to write anything at all, you must believe in yourself and your writing. You must be tenacious, you must believe that what you are writing is absolutely the best. Without that, it is difficult to produce much. I still believe that I have produced my "personal masterpiece" in a novel I initially wrote around 1977, revised about fifteen times (some sentences and scenes much more of course), and finally "finished" in 2010. But I have come to the conclusion that hardly anyone will actually read it. So in retrospect, my absolute belief, which is absolutely required to produce fiction, has become a grand lifelong delusion.

Have I climbed my mountain only to freeze to death on the summit? Along the way, I made choices that now seem like big mistakes. Because I believed I would be paid to write fiction, I passed up other career opportunities. Like an addict I’ve tried to stop, but can’t. However, I made my decisions and I stand by them. Why should I expect someone to pay me for my addiction?

How will my blogs help you? I’m not sure, but my goal is to offer practical reflections and tips. If you chose to interact with me, be as upbeat or cynical and sarcastic as you like. I welcome it. According to my tax lady, when your personal business doesn’t show a profit every third year, it’s called a "hobby." Consider applying that criteria to your writing. What are your goals? At what point does belief turn into delusion?